a god for a god.

I wish there were words for the way our souls dance with each other, that fully captured the essence of what our lives truly meant. I wish there were words that would capture the inevitable feeling of intense communion with the very thing we thought we were running from. There are a million things I wish for everyday, and yet nothing came close to what I was running from. Nothing fills me with more gratitude for life, with more joy for the sun rising above the mountains each morning. Nothing fills me in the way my Lord does. And in that it seems that there would be a distrust for anything that says no to what I have found solitude in, but rather I find that my world becomes very different if I believe something, rather than nothing. This will make, maybe, a bit more sense in a moment. 

I once read that the only way to kill a God, is to create one to kill it. And on first glance you would think this would be the words of a scholar speaking about a pagan god of sorts, a demonic force meant to kill something that shouldn’t have been created perhaps. But, as is the case with most art and soul and fire within any type of story, there is always a hint of what our God, my God, the God of the bible, truly tells us in these situations. And I think that that statement is speaking directly to that. 

When I “deconstructed” my faith, for lack of a better word. Or, let's find a better word. When I ran, when I disguised myself in the clothes of a man I was not. When my body ached because I had felt my soul disappearing from my body, in favor of this life that brought emotional power, and no peace whatsoever, when I was doing that. When my thoughts were fact, and nothing but fact that I had created, or someone else had, rather than something beyond. When I was doing that, I found myself coming back to this idea, in my head it was meant to disprove the existence of a god, but now, I think it does some good to help prove the existence. And that idea, was that the way humans have comprehended the unknown has often led us to putting some kind of god in the way of it. Or, to fill it. When the waves crashed and rain fell for a good harvest, the Greeks would point to the God of water or rain or the harvest. When someone would be brought forth to the “afterlife” the Egyptians would honor the God of the dead, and bring offerings for the man meant to guide their souls. This idea of the unknown, of things we as humans do not understand points directly towards something being there. There, beyond the horizon of human understanding. Now we know that the rain falls when weather patterns move, and perhaps the Greeks were just in a good area of the world for that to happen when they needed it to happen. 

I was always captivated by the unknown. I thought, well what happens when humans understand everything to ever exist, everything that ever will exist, everything that ever has existed. And in my moments of not believing in a god, I would find that to be the very reason for there not to be one. That the ability for humans to reach that, eventually, pointed that truly there was no unknown, that everything would be known. And I quite liked that argument then. And, perhaps it holds true to a point. But, as is the case with any argument, even my own, I’ve since found holes. 

One, being that in my description of what humans would understand, I quite literally described what a god should be. All knowing, of past present and future. And then, I circle back to a phrase I quite like. In order to kill a god, you must create a god. And perhaps that is exactly what atheism has done. It has created a god around the presupposition that humans will understand everything. Rather than placing something else in the unknown, we have placed our future selves. The unknown has become the breeding ground for humanity's biggest achievements, but what if the world ends today? Does the unknown cease to exist, or will we be questioning why that happened, and then understand that as we lie in death with nothing but nothingness surrounding my soul. So, perhaps, in order for atheism to work, it must become its own god. And that, well, it has become that has it not? If its job is to disprove that there is a god, simply put. It has become its own, because it must in order to kill another. 

An idea must be put to rest by the opposite of its idea. And the opposite of A god, is no god. But the only way to have no god, is if you had any idea of what a god was to start with, no? If a god must be put in place, in the unknown for the purpose of this thought experiment, then the ability for there to be no god, for a-theism to work must presuppose that there was an idea before. And in that I find a contradiction. That even if atheism works, it holds true that there is something, because there is a theism still in existence. Now I’m diverting from my original strain of thought here, so I digress. Perhaps I’ll write more on that another time. Either way, a god must be put to rest by another god, and atheism becomes another god the second it presupposes that knowledge is power, and all knowing will come eventually. 

I would like to point out, most atheists will not agree with my statement that atheism points to filling the unknown with a human mind, or even that we will ever get there, but I think that point is for naught, simply because the unknown is something. Even if we do not understand it, it is there, and all humans have ever done is try to understand the unknown, so what happens at the end of that? Is there an end to that? If an atheist says there is not an end of that, I challenge what they view as the end. And, I also challenge their belief that atheism is not a god. 

(It’s quite funny to me that in saying atheism is a god, I’ve essentially pointed out the major flaw in atheism itself. Atheism means, a-theism. No god. Well. Who knows.)

I would like to end this essay with a note, that this was for a thought experiment, and it should be countered ridiculously because I wrote this up at 11pm after taking a benadryl to put me to sleep with my allergies, so challenge away if my logic is misconstrued. I relish the opportunity for thoughtful discussion. And with that, a final word. From G.K. Chesterton, “When people choose not to believe in God, they do not thereafter believe in nothing, they then become capable of believing in anything.” 

If this is to hold true, the moment someone ceases belief in God, the God of the bible I should say, they allow everything else to fill the void left. To become the void persay. To become the very thing they sought to destroy from their lives. I tried. I do not wish it upon anyone. 

Note from the author - Challenge this. We must, challenge every word we say. Even if I do not know you, I would love to speak about matters such as these.